You Can’t Spell Advocacy Without Chaos: Cass’s Rules for Survival
Ah, Monday mornings - nature’s way of punishing you for having teh audacity to enjoy the weekend. I kick off mine with a triple espresso, mute all Slack notifications, and whisper a quick prayer to the almighty algorithm gods. This serene ritual is savagely interrupted when a calendar invite from Douglas Reed lands in my inbox like a wrecking ball.
“URGENT: Influencer Audit Strategy Session.”
I gaze at the screen, my cursor dancing the tango between “Accept” and “I’ve moved to the Bahamas.” The meeting is in fifteen minutes.
A quick SOS to Billie: Douglas has discovered influencer metrics. Mayday.
Billie fires back: Brace for impact. The vibes forecast is dire 🔥💀🫠
Upon entering the conference room, I find Douglas, the human version of an exclamation mark, surrounded by what looks like the aftermath of a printer massacre. He greets me—“Cassandra!”—with the kind of gravity usually reserved for a Jane Austen protagonist.
“I’ve been doing some research,” he announces ominously.
There’s nuthin quite like the dread that fills your soul when a C-suite exec says those words after a long weekend.
I survey the debris field across the table. “What’s all this then?”
Douglas waves a hand dramatically. “Social capital! Did you know our executives average merely 2,300 followers? And our employee influence score is…” he pauses for suspense, “…below industry standard.”
I take a soothing breath. “And where did we unearth these industry standards?”
He slides me a printout; the headline screams: “10 Ways to Maximize Your Influencer Capital in 2024.” It’s dated 2018.
“Douglas, this article is nearly as outdated as dial-up internet,” I quip, but he’s on a roll.
“I need a full audit,” he plows on. “Follower counts, engagement rates, influence scores. I want to boost our overall social capital by 50% this quarter.”
I force a smile that’s about as genuine as a politician’s apology. “That’s… optimistic. By when?”
“End of day.” He checks his watch. “Board presentation tomorrow.”
Right on cue, Billie bursts in, a whirlwind of laptops and tangled chargers.
“Have we time-travelled back to paper? How quaint!” Billie chirps.
Douglas nods, apparently serious. “Billie, help Cass with the audit. I want numbers.”
“Numbers?” echoes Billie, the joy in their voice fading faster than my will to live.
“Follower counts, engagement rates, influence scores,” I recite, deadpan. “By end of day.”
Billie nods, their enthusiasm as forced as mine. “So, digital vibes in spreadsheet form?”
Douglas beams. “Precisely! Data-driven advocacy.”
I stifle a groan.
“Douglas,” I start, “quantifying everyone’s ‘social capital’ in a day is like knitting a sweater during freefall. These metrics are—”
“I’ve emailed the team,” he cuts in, flashing his phone like a magician revealing his final trick.
Oh, Monday, you’ve outdone yourself.
By noon, my inbox is a digital wasteland of confusion. Marketing has sent emojis. Sales has proudly shared completely irrelevant scores. Engineering remains the silent enigma. HR is questioning the legality of this escapade.
Billie, meanwhile, stares at a spreadsheet that looks like it was possessed by the ghost of a deranged accountant.
“I’ve added columns for everything from followers to a ‘thought leadership quotient’,” Billie declares.
“And how are we quantifying that?” I ask, skepticism heavy in my voice.
“Total reactions divided by uses of ‘thrilled to announce’,” Billie explains with unsettling sincerity.
There’s a logic there that’s almost poetic.
Douglas texts: Progress? Need numbers for a slide deck by 3pm.
I reply: Which metrics are crucial for the board?
Douglas: All of them. And can you make it… snazzy?
“Billie, let’s jazz up these numbers. But please, no fire motifs.”
Billie pouts. “Last time was an accident.”
As we plow through, Priya from UX rings, perplexity clear in her tone. “Is this email about social influence metrics real, or are we on candid camera?”
“Regrettably real,” I sigh. “Douglas got inspired over the weekend.”
“But why?” Priya sounds as baffled as a cat at a dog show. “How do my posts about design - and my cat - translate to buisness value?”
“If we figure that out, we’ll be rich,” I joke weakly.
By 2:30, what Billie and I have concocted can only be described as a crime against data visualisation. We’ve got meaningless bar charts, arbitrary “influence tiers,” and a heat map that looks suspiciously like modern art.
Billie points at a chaotic scatter plot. “Behold, ‘The Influence Matrix.’”
“And what hidden truths does this reveal?” I ask dryly.
“That people post stuff, sometimes get likes, maybe even a comment or two,” Billie tries.
“Stop the presses,” I say, sarcasm thick.
Douglas is already en route to check on our ‘progress.’ The door swings open and he ushers in Janine, our CMO, who looks like she’s contemplating the virtues of early retirement.
“Show us the magic,” Douglas declares.
Channeling my best thespian, I gesture grandly at the nonsense on the screen. “Behold our preliminary findings.”
Douglas nods, rapt with attention. Janine squints skeptically.
“I’d like to highlight,” I venture boldly, “that our data reveals no correlation between follower counts and measurable business outcomes.”
Douglas blinks. “Meaning?”
I click to a slide of abstract art masquerading as data. “This scatter plot shows there’s no link between popularity and productivity. In fact, our best business drivers often have fewer followers.”
“It’s nonsense, but it’s compelling nonsense,” I think to myself.
Janine leans in. “So, chasing followers is…”
“A fool’s errand,” I finish for her. “We should focus on genuine engagement, not vanity metrics.”
Douglas’s face falls slightly. “But the article—”
“Was ancient,” I interject gently. “What we need is targeted, meaningful interactions.”
The final slide appears - a hastily assembled pyramid showing our ‘Advocacy Impact Framework.’ At its peak: business impact.
“We propose a shift from counting followers to cultivating advocates,” I declare.
Janine nods, a spark of interest in her eyes. “That sounds… sensible.”
Douglas finally comes around. “Quality over quantity,” he muses.
“Exactly,” Billie jumps in. “It’s all about the vibes!”
Douglas nods, as if ‘vibes’ is a business term he’s intimately familiar with.
Janine stands. “Let’s develop this advocacy program. Forget the audit.”
“Thank heavens,” I mutter.
Douglas, now buoyant with new purpose, tasks us with fleshing out this accidental strategy.
As the door closes behind them, Billie slumps into a chair. “Did we just invent a whole new approach?”
“Seems so,” I affirm, feeling a mix of exhaustion and exhilaration.
“And no more auditing followers?” Billie asks, hopeful.
“Scrapped,” I confirm, hitting delete on the spreadsheet.
Billie grins. “So we basically saved the company with a fake strategy?”
“Not fake - strategically improvised,” I correct.
Priya’s text pings: Whatever you did, it worked. Douglas is all in on genuine advocacy now. You’re a wizard.
I chuckle. “Not wizardry, just knowing that not everything that counts can be counted.”
“Who said that, Shakespeare?” Billie wonders aloud.
“No. That’s just what happens when reality checks into the boardroom.”
As we pack up, I scribble a mental note: When metrics madness strikes, propose a strategic framework. It buys time, sounds impressive, and might just morph into something genuinely useful.
And crucially, it spares you the horror of explaining social media algorithms to a man who thinks TikTok is a new brand of breath mint.\n\n## Explore Across Our Network\n\n- Maximizing B2B Sales: Harnessing the Power of Proof of Value (proofofvalue) - Learn how Proof of Value (PoV) can drive your B2B sales by demonstrating clear ROI and tangible benefits, distinguishing it from Proof of Concept (PoC).\n- PoC vs PoV: Choosing the Right Strategy for Your Business Case (proofofvalue) - Delve into the critical distinctions between Proof of Concept (PoC) and Point of View (PoV) to select the strategy that aligns with your business objectives.\n\n\n## Explore Across Our Network\n\n- Maximizing B2B Sales: Harnessing the Power of Proof of Value (proofofvalue) - Learn how Proof of Value (PoV) can drive your B2B sales by demonstrating clear ROI and tangible benefits, distinguishing it from Proof of Concept (PoC).\n- PoC vs PoV: Choosing the Right Strategy for Your Business Case (proofofvalue) - Delve into the critical distinctions between Proof of Concept (PoC) and Point of View (PoV) to select the strategy that aligns with your business objectives.\n